In 2008, Dr. Karyl McBride, a pioneer and leading specialist in this field, published the first-ever self-help book for adult daughters of narc moms. As her publisher states, it is "an essential guide to recovery for women with toxic mothers". You, too, can feel that you are good enough — but only after looking the root cause in the eye.
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| So start here! |
A mother's narcissism bursts into full bloom when the child reaches adolescence. Their autonomy development is unbearable to her, as she sees herself as someone truly exceptional and great and you as a mere extension of her. The jabs and put-downs begin. No matter how hard you try to meet all expectations, you will never succeed: Doing the right thing is wrong. When you work hard, you're lazy. If you’re careful, you're careless. If generous, you're greedy. Though you're helpful, she says you’re selfish. Arrive early, and you'll hear hints about being late. When you're assertive, you're harsh! In her eyes, you’re bad. And ugly.
She fails even in basic childcare, but your development into a woman is totally overlooked by her. You get deodorants, moisturizes, sanitary towels, and bras only after you, in your adolescent embarrassment, have gathered courage to ask for them. She suggests careers beneath your potential and shouts that you’ll never make it in the working world. She eagerly taints everything you cherish — intellectual pursuits, schoolwork, thirst for knowledge, spiritual searching, musical hobbies, and Girl Scout activities. On the other hand, she may adopt one of your interests just to beat you at your own game. She might be a sad primary school dropout, but will present herself as more skilled than you in your competence areas, for which you've studied at universities and qualified in your professions.
The mom acridly envies your childhood bedroom, youth, affectionate marriage, personality traits, and everything you've earned and learned. When already as a youngster you can make it in the big world, she digs out some sign of weakness in you so that she could again feel superior. She dismisses your accomplishments and instead brings up some acquaintance of yours, hoping they’ll eclipse you. Although too shallow and impatient to engage deeply with anything, she loves to flaunt trivial knowledge and smugly grins at how easily she outshines the experts. She seeks out arguments, insists she’s right, and deliberately sows confusion until the thread is completely lost. She loves to compete, but the moment defeat looms, the topic is suddenly dismissed as irrelevant.
She twirls in front of the mirror, inspecting the
results of her endless diets. She buys expensive clothes for herself, gets flashy
hairdos, and meticulously follows etiquette rules to create an impression of a
classy person. But if you get dressed up, she mocks you for your vanity. And
screeches that your makeup is a death mask.
She criticizes you with sighs, grimaces, head shakes, and loud comments in front of others, as if you weren’t there. Her mockery is neutral observation or harmless humour — poor mummy was only trying to be funny. When it's just the two of you, she refrains from laughing at your jokes and says, "We don't get it," signalling that she belongs to a group you are not part of. She wounds, shames, and judges, and when you’re left curled up and crushed, she wonders why you look so strange! You’re expected to recover instantly from the abuse, so that it would seem like she did nothing wrong. Soon after, she starts acting nice and friendly.
Her interaction is unpredictable, calculating, and strangely reactive. She watches closely how you say or do something, then behaves the same way towards you. She strikes at your weak points, is into comparisons, and always tries to appear as the winner. Your criticism bounces back and backfires like a boomerang, crippling your ability to defend yourself. Then she roars that hopefully you as an adult have "as horrible a daughter as you”. She doesn’t shy away from physical attacks, either. As you grow up, hair-pullings and forehead flicks turn into more subtle pushing and shoving. She never takes responsibility for her actions but instead defends herself with rhetorical diversions. She might even plug her ears or dismiss your arguments by making faces that imply you’re crazy. She insinuates this and that — perhaps that she detests someone or expects you to do something immoral — but if you bring it up, retreats behind a façade of innocence, arguing she said nothing of the sort.
From an early age, you’re told to be QUIET! Your joy is noise and stupidity, which she suppresses with slaps and scoldings. When you’re preparing for your honeymoon or some grand event, she phones you, without fail, about some alarming worry that suddenly demands your attention right then and there. If you’re going to a bar with your friends, she’ll sulk that you should have stayed to keep her company. The strong disapproval goes on long until the next day. When you find a partner, she declares that to her you are now like any other stranger.
The mother avoids visiting your house because it would force her to let go of the perception of you as an eternal child. She consistently belittles you and makes casual phone calls during office hours to your work place, starting by lightly asking where you might be. She feels uncomfortable with profound subjects and halfheartedly listens to your ponderings, only to later present your thoughts and ideas as her own. She conditions you to shrink. If you describe your wonderful experiences, she suddenly jumps up from her TV chair to do something terribly urgent or on her mobile says the battery is about to die... She might also turn the conversation to her supposedly grander experiences. If you mention that your doctor suspects you have a serious illness, she either doesn’t pay attention or starts whining about her naturally far worse ailments. Yet, when she’s sick in bed, she looks like a blissful queen bee in her expectations of full attention and service.
In the family, there's this one main character, and you have only instrumental value in it. You walk on eggshells, grow antennae, and must always put her first. Everyone should comply with her whims and keep guessing what she wants and when. From her child, she repeatedly expects help, support, praise, condolence — and massages. In the home, there's room for mother's feelings only. Daughter's negative emotions are ridiculed and condemned as phony, and her rights are either despised or disregarded.
The mother constantly behaves like she’s in a terrible hurry and even runs inside! That way she creates an image of a tirelessly toiling heroine of labour, though domestic helpers, cleaners, and reflexologists have been hired to cater for her needs. The mom never does anything special, yet already as a kid you notice that her usual chores come with an invisible bill — and that you are the debtor. After all, the martyr has sacrificed everything for you. From early middle age on, she slumps her shoulders and pulls out the trump card of I-should-have-it-easier-already. However, she systematically delegates household tasks to the dutiful daughter! And still as an adult, though burdened with your own heavy responsibilities, you're expected to be the automatic attendant of the unemployed or leisurely retired mom — without ever hearing a word of thanks.
Your well-being is overlooked. She can formally ask how you are, but your answer couldn't be more irrelevant. She enjoys her own company: rarely goes anywhere, cannot make true friends, and doesn’t eat meals with the family. She's never in the mood to read bedtime stories, play with her child or hold you on her lap. Your needs, worries, and illnesses annoy her. You're a burden. She often shrieks that she’s your servant! To prove her point, she grimly accuses you of how, as a little girl, you wore those white knee socks she had dressed you in for the school spring fete, and she had to scrub them clean! You stop bothering her early on and do everything yourself. But when you show all this independence — and won’t join in the family conflicts she orchestrates! — she begins to reject you.
When someone in the narcissist's extended family commits suicide, she feels no need for therapy or even self-examination. Caught in any wrongdoing, this V.I.P. gasps in wide-eyed shock at mere suggestion that she could be at fault! If you still hold her accountable, her gaze becomes piercing and chin protrudes defiantly, or she starts clowning around. She wriggles out of situations by ignoring, dodging, covering up, or raging, but if she can’t escape, the face twists into a mischievous grin, as if a child's who is caught over a petty misdemeanour. The mother throws tantrums, slams doors, hurls objects, marches off with pounding heels, leaves family situations unresolved, has fits of rage, sheds fake tears (and peeks through the fingers if her show is working), threatens, tattles, and resorts to all kinds of immature defence mechanisms. In tight spots, she gets “heart attacks”.
She creates chaos and fear, then wistfully narrates
tales of her rosy childhood the daughter "shall never have". A conflict
addict, she drives debates into sickening extremes, putting everybody through a shredder.
When the little ones wake up at night to yet another parental warfare, she doesn’t
comfort them as one would expect, but grabs them as her shield and shoots their father with their tears. Next, she lies down like a corpse, waiting for her shocked child to come and feel sorry for her.
The mother pits family members against each other and splits relatives into blocs, where her side represents saints and the husband's side sinners. She hisses to the children that their daddy is a swine, and therefore the shared surname he gave all is a suitably insulting nickname for the daughter. The roles at home are completely confused. Anyone there can suddenly act as a bossy head of the family or vulnerable infant. The daughter is tasked with relaying messages and divorce threats to the father, while the mother gives him the weeks-long silent treatment. From a young age, this drama addict's child should be her confidant, advising her in her messes, resolving the fake financial troubles, and taking a stand against the father. If you don’t comply, she laments that you don’t measure up as her friend.
"Dirty laundry is washed at home" is the cast iron rule because both her and her side's virtuous image must remain spotless. And of course, the child stays loyal instead of seeking help. The more obscene the dirt — untreated mental illnesses, varied acts of violence, insidious sexual abuse — the brighter their halos shine. She thinks she owns you, so your task is to polish her armour. If you fall victim to a crime, she panics, not because you're wounded but out of fear that the incident might be revealed to outsiders! If you express concerns about some child protection issues, the mother just states you're exaggerating, taunting, misremembering or misunderstanding. Destabilization and befogging are her weapons to cut your tongue.
The mother both favours and discriminates, awarding the ones who cling to her apron strings but punishing the daughter who stands on her own two feet. She plays dirty by using generous spreads of food, gifts, secretly slipped cash, preheritances, and last wills as her pawns. In this disordered dynamic, the sisters are polar opposites. The puppet pulled by the umbilical cord is the favourite. She is bound with reward-punishment method, making her a court lady who tattles on you, scolds you to your face based on the mother's disgusting defamation, and attacks you on her behalf. Such a girl grows into a fierce narcissist. If the mother has an own son, she idealizes him to the point of utter grotesqueness, no matter what kind of snake he may be. Paradoxically, she creates an ethos where everyone should pity, foster, and downright financially support his man-child!
The successfully individuated one is the scapegoat. You get criticised for everything, also when already as a primary schoolgirl you're emotionally smart enough to seek warmth and validation at your granny’s. This is wrong because she's from your father's side and also because you’re consuming bread there. When an eating disorder then inevitably emerges, the mother gifts the skinniest teenager with a cellulite mitt. If bulimia becomes so apparent that she can no longer feign ignorance, she loudly expresses her overwhelming disgust. No healthcare is provided.
You are strongly and unjustly blamed for whatever. If she
ruins your new blouse in the washing machine and you dare say a word, she
screams at you for being ungrateful! If she can’t attend some event,
she creates at home a “Mother’s Heart” painting, into the middle of which she has stabbed a knife. Since she lacks empathy and conscience, she
neither regrets nor apologizes; the fault is always in others. She herself is
the icon of innocence, a model citizen, and the world's sweetest mother described in the most syrupy maternal day songs. Behind the wheel, children in the back
seat, such crooked Furies are a terrifying risk. The mother can break any rule while
simultaneously bellowing that she knows it. She flips over a
micro-expression when she infers something dubious has been detected in
her. And she absolutely won’t let bygones be bygones: if she thinks she was given half a point too little in a trivia quiz, you’ll hear about this “mistreatment”
decades later.
The mother violates your boundaries. After knocking once on your door, she rushes in and under her breath starts mocking the "deficiencies" in your place. She might barge into your bedroom in the middle of the night while you’re there with your boyfriend and then spits onto his face. All your affairs belong to her, and if you don’t reveal them, she expresses deep disapproval. She herself revises her own past and hides all sorts of matters, even those that touch you personally.
She doesn’t respond if you need help but instead shrugs. She monitors your actions and delights in your failures. She is thrilled to point out your mistakes, ensuring you stay in a pit while she stands on a pedestal. When the opportunity arises, she pulls the rug out from under your feet. If you're in trouble, she watches you like you were a lab rat, fascinated by your struggles, and if you flop, a victorious smile spreads across her face. She deviously inquires, eyes gleaming with excitement, how you feel when she sees you're tense and nervous. If you have a dangerous accident, even as a child, she sniggers in amusement or laughs uproariously. She knows how to pretend to be consoling if so chooses, but still cannot resist rolling her eyes to other people.
In order to bask in their admiration, she flirts and flatters, courts and charms. As an opportunist, she's a turncoat and everyone's friend. If the daughter doesn’t stoop to being such a chameleon, it's proof that she can’t get along with different kinds of people! The mom herself screams macabre cruelties at her child, then plays victim by dropping to her knees and shedding crocodile tears. When an unexpected guest arrives at the scene, she instantly transforms into the sunniest of hostesses, laughter flowing for them like a babbling brook. In front of an audience, her parade side shines. It’s as if she’s performing on a grand stage, and gestures are fittingly grandiose. She might theatrically open her arms wide to you but when there's nobody else, just stands there until you hug her. Then she goes through the motions but so stiffly that it exudes rejection.
MONEY is the number one thing for narcissists; it like represents themselves. The mother appears generous and self-sacrificing but in reality is stingy, greedy, cunning, and sly. Like a fox in the henhouse, she unscrupulously uses the funds of trusts and estates as if they were her own. It’s also widely known that narcissists' financial crimes are typically fraud and embezzlement. She pulls various strings, stealing from her child in amounts ranging from mere tens to tens of thousands.
She withholds her pennies when it comes to you, leaving your father to cover your food, clothing, hobbies, and education. Yet, living expenses are her weapon against you, especially groceries. They're brutally used for emotional torture. The mother tells you the exact price of your eating when you're still a student. She lays a feast on the table when her son arrives empty-handed, but if you don’t bring food when you visit, you're leeching off her; then again if you do bring food, she either hints that you disrespect her cooking or turns her nose up at your offerings. She lets outsiders believe she has paid for all meal supplies out of her own pocket when in fact you've paid your share. You are the child who offers compensation for everything, and she will absolutely collect, down to the last penny. When the teen washes herself, she winces that it's too costly. And when you later visit your childhood home, of which you are now one of the owners, and pay her for the utilities, she cuts off the hot water supply while you're showering. Additionally, she insinuates that you should contribute to her personal expenses but conveniently “forgets” the valuable gifts you've given and the big-budget renovations you've financed.
She keeps track of your calls and refrains from contact if it's your turn. If you text congrats on her special day, she won't text back to thank you because "it's too expensive". She might send letters without stamps, leaving you to pay for their delivery.
The mother whispers bad things about you behind your back, but when you enter the room, starts to smile oh, so innocently. She alienates your closest people by baking lies about you, which they then swallow up like hot cakes. For ages, you might wonder about their strange looks, vile comments, and cold shoulder, only to realize later that it was all because of her slander. To her, that's not only entertainment but also a strategy to build a human fortification from which to launch attacks. Surprisingly, many fall into her manipulations, sign up to be her minions, and then intrude into your privacy. If you refuse to discuss matters they know absolutely nothing about, you are “unable to converse". Yet, it's the narcissist who doesn’t converse. Instead, she decides, announces, and expects obedience. Then she starts rushing you. Your demands for negotiations are ridiculed, you are treated like a rubber stamp, and her agenda is forcibly pushed through. She flips events upside down, casting herself as the tragic victim and spinning you as the culprit. No one has the energy to sort out the innumerable lies she sprinkles like fairy dust or dive into the piles of facts you've gathered, so the defence never gets a chance. It will be the arbitrary verdict from the narcissist's freak tribunal that stands.
She argues her black is white when that black is right in front of your eyes. In her head, two contradictory things can be true at the same time. In legal situations, the hostile mother doesn't fear the consequences of her lies, either — not even when the daughter has evidences, documents, and witnesses! Instead, she shamelessly runs to public authorities to continue the aggression against her child, free of charge. Devil's advocates then attack you with shocking threats based on incomplete information and cockamamie fabrications. In defending your legal rights and demanding the truth, you’ll have to turn to expensive lawyers and therapists.
You also want to disclaim your inheritance, to avoid further torment.
When you totally withdraw from the narcissistic family cult, you become your mother’s arch-enemy, and then nothing is off-limits in her efforts to destroy you. Being hurt "justifies" — she will never get over that you just simply let go, but oozes hatred and demonizes you in every corner. She keeps harassing you relentlessly both directly and by proxy, through contacts you've forbidden her to make, and then demands that you pay her the costs for it!! This can go on for years. In the end, the daughter needs to get a psychological and criminal assessment of the mother and apply for a restraining order.
The portrait has been painted. The models for it were not only the case studies in the book but also the ever-growing online content inspired by it, where thousands of women from around the world share these astonishingly identical experiences. The self-inflated "special personality" has thus shrunk to nothing but a prototype of a personality disorder. — And you've gained the space to grow to your full potential!
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| I managed to find this on one of my trips to London when the book was relatively new. The cover reads: "Dr. Karyl McBride has convened a fellowship of female voices to describe every flavour of experience with maternal narcissism. You are no longer alone on the road to recovery." — Sandy Hotchkiss, PsyD, LCSW |
Important links
www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride
www.instagram.com/drkarylmcbride
www.linkedin.com/in/drkarylmcbride
www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/karyl-mcbride-phd
www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
www.goodreads.com/Will_I_Ever_Be_Good_Enough_Healing_the_Daughters_of_Narcissistic_Mothers
Afterword
According to McBride, narcissism is a “spectrum disorder”. So, not every case represents this extreme pathological type that I’ve described based on my source material. Yet even a mildly narcissistic mother can cause her child such a severe complex trauma that self-help books and guides just aren’t enough. That’s why the book also recommends personal therapy, particularly the EMDR method:
“It
is reasonable to seek a therapist for help during this part of your recovery.
Try to follow the suggestions here on your own first, as they have been helpful
in my sessions with daughters. But if you are stuck and nothing is coming to
the surface, using professional help in the process can make a big difference.
You may want to find a professional mental health provider who knows a
technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), an area
of expertise that is particularly helpful with processing feelings.“
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