(Suomenkieliseen versioon tästä: Myrkkymadonnan muotokuva )
In 2008, Dr. Karyl McBride, a pioneer and leading specialist in this field, published the first-ever self-help book for adult daughters of narc moms. As her publisher states, it is "an essential guide to recovery for women with toxic mothers". You, too, can feel that you are good enough — but only after looking the root cause in the eye.
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Acknowledging the truth is the beginning of healing! |
A narcissistic mother's traits burst into full bloom when her daughter reaches adolescence. Your autonomy development feels unbearable to her, as she sees herself as someone exceptional and great and you as her extension. The jabs and put-downs begin. No matter how hard you try to meet all expectations, you'll never succeed: Doing the right thing is wrong. When you work hard, you're lazy. If you’re careful, you're careless. If generous, you're greedy. Though you're helpful, she says you’re selfish. Arrive early, and she'll make remarks as if you were late. When you're assertive, you're harsh! In her eyes, you’re bad. And ugly.
She fails even in basic childcare, but your development into a woman is totally overlooked by her. You get deodorants, moisturizes, sanitary towels, and bras only after you, in your adolescent embarrassment, have gathered courage to ask for them. She suggests careers beneath your potential and shouts that you’ll never make it in the working world. She eagerly taints everything you cherish — intellectual pursuits, schoolwork, thirst for knowledge, spiritual searching, musical hobbies, and Girl Scout activities. On the other hand, she may adopt one of your interests just to beat you at your own game. She might actually be a primary school dropout, but will present herself as more skilled than you in your competence areas, for which you've studied at universities and qualified in your professions.
The mom acridly envies your childhood bedroom, youth, affectionate marriage, personality traits, and everything you've earned and learned. When already as a youngster you can make it in the big world, she digs out some sign of weakness in you so that she could again feel superior. She dismisses your accomplishments and instead brings up some acquaintance, hoping they’ll outdo you in comparison. Although too shallow and impatient to engage deeply with anything, she loves to flaunt trivial knowledge and smugly grins at how easily she outshines the experts. She seeks out arguments, insists she’s right, and sows confusion until the thread is completely lost. She loves to compete, but the moment defeat looms, the topic is suddenly dismissed as irrelevant.
From outsiders you hear deeply disturbing accounts: how she was already jealous of your personality when you were barely into your teens; how she mockingly imitated you in front of guests when, as a little girl, you confidently greeted them; how she beat her pregnant belly with her fists while you were in the womb.
She twirls in front of the mirror, inspecting the
results of her endless diets. She buys expensive clothes, gets flashy
hairdos, and meticulously follows etiquette rules to create an impression of a
classy person. If you get dressed up, she mocks you for your vanity. And
screeches that your makeup is a death mask.
She criticizes you with sighs, grimaces, head shakes, and loud comments also in front of others as if you weren’t there. Her mockery is neutral observation or harmless humour — poor mummy was only trying to be funny. When it's just the two of you, she refrains from laughing at your jokes and says, "We don't get it," signalling that she belongs to a group you are not part of. At your harmless question about the family's history, she wails like a wounded animal, accusing you of prying.
She hurts, shames, and judges, and when you’re left curled up and crushed, she wonders why you look so strange. You’re expected to recover instantly from the abuse, so that it would seem like she did nothing wrong. Soon after, she starts acting nice and friendly.
Her interaction is unpredictable, calculating, and strangely reactive: she watches closely how you say or do something, then starts behaving the same way. She likes to lash, scorn and strike at your weak points, but your criticism bounces back and backfires like a boomerang, crippling your ability to defend yourself. Then she roars that hopefully you'll have "as horrible a daughter as you”. She doesn’t shy away from physical attacks, either. As you grow up, hair-pullings and forehead flicks turn into more subtle pushing and shoving. She never takes responsibility for her actions but instead defends herself with rhetorical diversions. She might even plug her ears or dismiss your arguments by making faces that imply you’re crazy. She insinuates this and that — perhaps that she detests someone or expects you to do something immoral — but if you bring it up, retreats behind a façade of innocence, arguing she said nothing of the sort.
From an early age, you’re told to be QUIET! Your joy is noise and stupidity, which she suppresses with slaps and scoldings. If she is flipping through a glossy magazine and the child has something to say, she mumbles the text aloud over the child's words, tracing the line to the end with her finger before deigning to listen.
When you’re preparing for your honeymoon or some grand event, she phones you, without fail, about some alarming worry that suddenly demands your attention right then and there. If you’re going to a bar with your friends, she’ll sulk that you should have stayed to keep her company. The strong disapproval goes on long until the next day. When you find a partner, she declares that to her you are now like any other stranger.
The mother avoids visiting your house because it would force her to let go of the perception of you as an eternal child. She consistently belittles you and makes casual phone calls during office hours to your work place, starting by lightly asking where you might be. She feels uncomfortable with profound subjects and halfheartedly listens to your ponderings, only to later present your thoughts and ideas as her own. She conditions you to shrink. If you describe your wonderful experiences, she suddenly jumps up from her TV chair to do something terribly urgent or on her mobile says the battery is about to die... She might also turn the conversation to her supposedly grander experiences. If you mention that your doctor suspects you have a serious illness, she either doesn’t pay attention or starts whining about her far worse ailments. Yet, when she’s sick in bed, she looks like a blissful queen bee in her expectations of full attention and service.
About your well-being she couldn't care less. Of course she formally asks how you are, but the answer is irrelevant. In the family, there's this one main character, and you have only instrumental value in it. You walk on eggshells, grow antennae, and must always put her first. Everyone should comply with her whims and keep guessing what she wants and when. From her child, she repeatedly expects help, support, praise, condolence — even massages. In the home, there's room for mother's feelings only. Daughter's negative emotions are ridiculed and condemned as phony, and her rights are either despised or disregarded.
The mother constantly behaves like she’s in a terrible hurry and even runs inside the house! That way she creates an image of a tirelessly toiling heroine of labour, though domestic helpers, cleaners, and reflexologists have been hired to cater for her needs. She never does anything special, yet already as a kid you notice that her usual chores come with an invisible bill — and that you are the debtor. After all, the martyr has sacrificed everything for you. From early middle age on, she slumps her shoulders and pulls out the trump card of I-should-have-it-easier-already. However, she systematically delegates household tasks to the dutiful daughter! And still as an adult, though burdened with your own heavy responsibilities, you're expected to be the automatic attendant of the unemployed or leisurely retired mom — without ever hearing a word of thanks.
She enjoys her own company: rarely goes anywhere, cannot make true friends, and doesn’t eat meals with the family. She's never in the mood to read bedtime stories, play with the child or hold them on her lap. There's no photo of you two together. Your needs, worries, and illnesses annoy her. You're a burden. She often shrieks that she’s your housemaid! To prove her point, she grimly accuses you of how, as a little girl, you wore those white knee socks she had dressed you in for the school's spring celebration, and she had to scrub them clean! You stop bothering her early on and do everything yourself. But when you show all this independence — and won’t join in the family conflicts she orchestrates! — she begins to reject you.
When someone in the narcissist's extended family commits suicide, she feels no need for therapy or even self-examination. Caught in any wrongdoing, this V.I.P. gasps in wide-eyed shock at mere suggestion that she could be at fault! If you still hold her accountable, her gaze becomes piercing, chin protrudes defiantly or she starts clowning around. She wriggles out of situations by ignoring, dodging, covering up, or raging, but if she can’t escape, the face twists into a mischievous grin, as if a child's who is caught over a petty misdemeanour. The mother throws tantrums, slams doors, hurls objects, marches off with pounding heels, leaves family situations unresolved, sheds fake tears (and peeks through her fingers if the show is working), threatens, tattles, and resorts to all immature defence mechanisms. In tight spots, she gets “heart attacks”.
She creates chaos and fear, then wistfully narrates
tales of her rosy childhood the daughter "shall never have". A conflict
addict, she drives debates into sickening extremes, putting everybody through a shredder.
When the little ones wake up at night to yet another parental warfare, she doesn’t
comfort them as one would expect, but grabs them as her shield and shoots their father with their tears. Next, she lies down like a corpse, waiting for her shocked child to come and feel sorry for her.
The mother pits family members against each other and splits relatives into blocs, where her side represents saints and the husband's side sinners. She hisses to the children that their dad is a swine, and therefore the shared surname he gave all is twisted by her into a verbal taunt, meant to degrade the daughter. The roles at home are completely confused. Anyone there can suddenly act as a bossy head of the family or vulnerable infant. The daughter is tasked with relaying messages and divorce threats to the father, while the mother gives him the weeks-long silent treatment. From a young age, this drama addict's child should be her confidant, advising her in her messes, resolving the fake financial troubles, and taking a stand against the father. If you don’t comply, she laments that you don’t measure up as her friend.
"Dirty laundry is washed at home" is the cast iron rule because both her and her side's virtuous image must remain spotless. And of course, the child stays loyal instead of seeking help. The more obscene the dirt — untreated mental illnesses, varied acts of violence, insidious sexual abuse — the brighter their halos shine. She thinks she owns you, so your task is to polish her armour. If you fall victim to a crime, she doesn't panic over your suffering but over the risk of the incident becoming public! If you express concerns about child protection issues, the mother just states you're either evil or exaggerating, misremembering or misunderstanding. Destabilization and befogging are her weapons to cut your tongue.
The mother both favours and discriminates, awarding the ones who cling to her apron strings and punishing the daughter who stands on her own two feet. She plays dirty by using generous spreads of food, gifts, secretly slipped cash, preheritances, and last wills as her pawns. In this disordered dynamic, the sisters are polar opposites. The puppet pulled by the umbilical cord is the pet. She is bound with reward—punishment method, making her a court lady who tattles on you, scolds you to your face based on the mother's disgusting defamation, and attacks you on her behalf. Such a girl grows into a fierce narcissist. If the mother has an own son, she idealizes him to the point of utter grotesqueness, no matter what kind of creep he may be. Paradoxically, she creates an ethos where everyone should somehow pity and downright financially maintain her man-child!
The successfully individuated girl is the scapegoat. Right from early childhood, you're criticised for everything — even for being at your caring granny’s. This is "wrong" because she's from your father's side and also because, she says, you’re consuming bread there. You are strongly guilt-tripped for whatever. If she ruins your new blouse in the washing machine and you dare say a word, she screams at you for being ungrateful! If she can’t attend a party where you were able to go, she creates a huge painting at night called Mother’s Heart, into the middle of which she has stabbed a knife. Since she lacks empathy and conscience, she neither regrets nor apologizes; the fault is always in others. She herself is the icon of innocence, a model citizen, and the world's sweetest mother described in the most syrupy maternal day songs. Behind the wheel, children in the back seat, this Rage Incarnate is a terrifying risk. She can break any rule while simultaneously bellowing that she knows it. She flips over a micro-expression if infers something dubious has been detected in her. And she never lets bygones be bygones — when she decides the family gave her half a point too little in a quiz, it's you who'll still hear about this "mistreatment" decades later.
The mother violates your boundaries. She barges into your bedroom in the middle of the night while you’re there with your boyfriend and then spits onto his face. After one loud knock on your home's front door, she rushes inside and starts mocking its "deficiencies". All your affairs belong to her, and if you don’t reveal them, she expresses deep disapproval. She herself revises her own past and hides all sorts of matters, even those that touch you personally.
If you need help the mom doesn’t respond but shrugs. She monitors your actions and delights in your failures. She is thrilled to point out your mistakes, ensuring you stay in a pit and she on a pedestal. At every opportunity, she pulls the rug out from under your feet. When you're in trouble, she watches you like you were a lab rat, fascinated by your struggles, and if you flop, a victorious smile spreads across her face. She deviously inquires, eyes gleaming with excitement, how you feel when she sees you're afraid. If you have a dangerous accident, even as a child, she sniggers in amusement or laughs uproariously. She knows how to pretend to be consoling, but still cannot resist rolling her eyes to other people.
In order to bask in their admiration, she flirts and flatters, courts and charms. As an opportunist, she's a turncoat and everyone's friend. If the daughter refuses to play chameleon, it's proof she can’t get along with different kinds of people! The mom screams macabre cruelties at her child, then plays victim by dropping to her knees and shedding crocodile tears. When an unexpected guest arrives at the scene, she instantly transforms into the sunniest hostess, laughter flowing like a babbling brook. In front of an audience, her parade side shines. It’s as if she’s performing on a grand stage, and gestures are fittingly grandiose. She might theatrically open her arms to you but when there's nobody else, just stands there until you hug her. Then she goes through the motions but so stiffly that it exudes rejection.
MONEY is number one for narcissists; it's like a representation of themselves. The mother plays generous and self-sacrificing while being stingy, greedy, cunning, and sly. A fox in the henhouse, she unscrupulously uses the funds of trusts and estates as if they were her own. It’s also widely known that narcissists' financial crimes are typically fraud and embezzlement. She pulls various strings, stealing from her child anywhere from a few tens to tens of thousands.
She withholds her pennies when it comes to you, leaving your father to cover your food, clothing, hobbies, and education. Yet, living expenses are her weapon against you, especially daily bread. That's brutally used for emotional torture. When you visit home from college, the mother makes sure you know the cost of your meals. She doesn't "remember" your favourite dishes. She lays a feast on the table when her son arrives empty-handed, but if you don’t bring food when you visit, you're leeching off her; then again if you do bring food, she either hints that you disrespect her cooking or turns her nose up at your offerings. She lets outsiders believe she has bought groceries when in fact you've paid your share.
When an eating disorder inevitably emerges, the mother pretends not to notice. Instead she gives the skinniest teenager a cellulite mitt as a Christmas gift. If bulimia becomes so apparent that she can no longer feign ignorance, she furiously expresses her overwhelming disgust. No healthcare is offered.
You are the child who offers compensation for everything, and she absolutely collects, down to the last penny. When you visit your childhood home, which you now partly own, and pay her for the utilities, she cuts off the hot water supply while you're showering. Additionally, she insinuates that you should take care of her personal expenses. But all the generous gifts you bought and the extensive renovations you financed of your own accord — those she shamelessly "forgets", right to your face. She keeps track of your calls and refrains from contact if it's your turn. When you text congrats on her special day, she won't thank you because "SMS costs too much". She might send letters without stamps, leaving you to pay for them upon collection.
The mother whispers bad things about you behind your back, but if you enter the room, starts to oh so innocently smile. She alienates your closest people by baking lies about you, which they swallow up like hot cakes. For ages, you might wonder about their strange looks, vile comments, and cold shoulder, only to realize later that it was all because of her slander. To her, that's not only entertainment but also a strategy to build a human fortification from which to launch attacks. Surprisingly many fall into her manipulations, act as her minions, and then intrude into your privacy. If you refuse to discuss matters they know absolutely nothing about, you are “unable to converse". Yet, it's the narcissist who doesn’t converse. Instead, she decides, orders, and expects obedience. Then she starts rushing you. Your demands for negotiations are ridiculed, you are treated like a rubber stamp, and her agenda is pushed through. She flips events upside down, casting herself as the tragic victim and spinning you as the aggressor. No one has the energy to sort out the innumerable lies she sprinkles like fairy dust or dive into the mountain of facts you've gathered, so the defence never gets a chance. It will be the arbitrary verdict from the narcissist's freak tribunal that stands.
She argues black is white when her black is right in front of your eyes. In her head, two contradictory things can be true at the same time. In legal situations, the hostile mother doesn't fear the consequences of her lies, either — not even when the daughter has evidences, documents, and witnesses! Instead, she shamelessly runs to public authorities to continue the aggression against her child, free of charge. Devil's advocates then attack you with shocking threats based on incomplete information and cockamamie fabrications. In defending your legal rights and demanding the truth, you are forced to turn to expensive lawyers and therapists.
You also disclaim your inheritance in order to completely disentangle yourself from these murky nets.
When you leave the toxic cult, you not only face intense disapproval from everyone but also become your mother’s arch-enemy. In her mind, any form of revenge is now "justified". She will never get over the fact that you simply let go, but oozes hatred and demonizes you in every corner. She keeps harassing you relentlessly both directly and by proxy, through contacts you've forbidden her to make, and then demands that you pay her the costs for it! This can go on for years. In the end, the daughter needs to get a psychological and criminal assessment of the mother and apply for a restraining order.
The portrait has been painted. The models were both the case studies in the book and its ever-growing online content, where thousands of women from around the world share these astonishingly identical experiences. The self-inflated special personality has thus shrunk to nothing but a prototype of a personality disorder. — And you've gained the space to grow to your full potential!
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| I managed to find this on one of my trips to London when the book was relatively new. The cover reads: "Dr. Karyl McBride has convened a fellowship of female voices to describe every flavour of experience with maternal narcissism. You are no longer alone on the road to recovery." — Sandy Hotchkiss, PsyD, LCSW |
Important links
www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride
www.instagram.com/drkarylmcbride
www.linkedin.com/in/drkarylmcbride
www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/karyl-mcbride-phd
www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
www.goodreads.com/Will_I_Ever_Be_Good_Enough_Healing_the_Daughters_of_Narcissistic_Mothers
Afterword
According to McBride, narcissism is a spectrum disorder. So, not every case represents this extreme pathological type that I’ve described based on my source material. Yet even a mildly disturbed mother can cause her child such a severe complex trauma that self-help guides just aren't enough. That’s why the book also recommends personal therapy, particularly the EMDR method:
“It is reasonable to seek a therapist for help during this part of your recovery. Try to follow the suggestions here on your own first, as they have been helpful in my sessions with daughters. But if you are stuck and nothing is coming to the surface, using professional help in the process can make a big difference. You may want to find a professional mental health provider who knows a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), an area of expertise that is particularly helpful with processing feelings.“
